As the Holiday season gets under way, I thought that I should regale you readers with my Grouchy Guide to Poolside Etiquette. If you have your own, then please comment below!
1. No topless sunbathing once your nipples extend as far south as your umbilicus. This applies to both sexes.
2. No casting of dubious-looking towels onto hitherto vacant sunloungers, then buggering off to the shops and leaving them for hours.
3. No sly distribution of personal belongings in a supposedly random fashion around the lounger, thereby extending your territory, creating your own poolside kingdom, effectively hogging it and leaving no space for anyone else.
4. No token gestures of obeying the official poolside rules – such as merely extending one pallid limb under the shower instead of having a damn good dousing prior to entering the pool. Just be true to yourself and not bother.
5. NO greedy troughing of crisps and churros on your lounger if your BMI is way over 30. It upsets me and it’s not good for you. I don’t care if you are on holiday.
6. No lying with your legs more than 45 degrees apart in order to achieve a more even roasting, especially if your BMI is way over 30, or you are particularly hirsute. It’s shockingly unladylike and my teenage son could be watching.
7. No snoring. At all.
8. No clearing of the sinuses once you’ve reached the poolside after your first exhausting length. I don’t want to encounter your greenies when I am elegantly breaststroking my way to relaxation.
9. No sneaky and surreptitious sidling up to the bubbling water-filter in order to share your secret whizzpoppers with all the other bathers. (This is done so that the whizzpopper can be easily disguised.)
“It wasn’t me, it was the water-filter!” Yeah.
10. No ganging up with other English/Welsh/Scottish/Irish holdiday- makers in order to gossip and complain about other ethnic minorities (English/Welsh/Scottish/Irish) e.g “See that Welsh crowd over there? Well! You should have heard them last night, up until 5am they were, bloody ridiculous, disgusting, we shall have to complain.”
Which leads me quite nicely onto……
The Grouchy Woman’s Guide to In-flight Etiquette which is coming soon!
